Things I have learnt so far about the Maldives

I use some maths and metaphoric pedagogy in order to share with you the axioms of life here. FACTs indicate things where no view apart from the one expressed can possibly be true.

  • If you tell X to meet you at Y hours, X will not turn up until at least Y + 20 minutes. FACT.
  • If X asks you to “come over some time”, X definitely means it and will offer you lots of nice food as well.
  • If you are offered “nuts”, only eat them after you have finished your meal or you will get laughed at.
  • If you are going on a picnic, take an umbrella for both rain and sun.
  • If you don’t like fish, don’t come to the Maldives. FACT.
  • If you love meat, don’t come to the Maldives.
  • If you love milk, don’t come to the Maldives.
  • If you are tired of rude children, come to the Maldives, they are all very polite and the small ones are very cute. Until you get sunburnt, and then they are petulant.
  • If your skin is not dark already, you will get burned. Unless you use an umbrella.
  • Are you an outdoors person? Good, because there isn’t a lot of indoors. Also the beaches are great. FACT
  • If you don’t understand something or you offend somebody, play the part of foolish tourist and you will be okay.
  • Before you come, practice living in the climate by turning your central heating up to 30 degrees celcius 24/7 and stop using any hot water whatsoever.
  • Bring your own suncream, general consensus here is that “Factor 2” is to UV Rays what the Berlin Wall was to people trying to get across.
  • Again, you better like fish. If you do you’re in for a treat. Yum yum.
  • Want to lose weight? Come here, you will shed it like Christopher Biggins in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. FACT

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