False truths… in the Maldives

Tomorrow, after so long being the “only white guy in the village” (not really now there are some Australians), I will be joined by a fellow coach, Jerome. Jerome and I are very good friends, and so I’m in reasonably good faith when I say that I’m pretty sure he will find a lot of the things here as funny as I do. I have also assumed that he won’t have minded me telling people a selection of the following mistruths whenever they have asked anything about him:

  • Did you know Jerome hold the British record for attending Madonna concerts?
  • In order to make some money on the side, he works as a Tom Hanks impersonator.
  • His connections with showbiz don’t end there: because he bought a BMW after he appeared on several Cornflakes adverts a couple of years ago.
  • He has a phobia of bald people.
  • When he was born, everyone thought he was a girl for two months.
  • He can’t sleep without a bacterial face mask on. Lucky me.
  • He is fluent in Punjab.
  • He supports Everton.

Here are some factoids I will tell him during his first day about the Maldives:

  • It is illegal not to eat fish at least once a day in order to support the fishing industry.
  • Normally it is customary to high-5 and shout “YEAH!” whenever you kill a mosquito. It was a practice introduced by the RAF to ingrain the importance of the prevention of any Malaria outbreak while Gan served as a base for 30 years.
  • Because sarcasm is so deeply rooted in the Maldivian psyche, most of the time people will only understand you in English while you are being sarcastic.
  • Jerome, I know you won’t be happy about this one because of your hobby, but unfortunately all Tom Hanks films are banned due to the negative portrayal of life on tropical islands in “Castaway”.
  • On average, one in every 10 palm trees conceals a CCTV camera
  • If you can swim for 10 minutes continuously, you are eligible for a grant of $500 per annum from the government.

Lets see how many of those are still going around in a week’s time. He’s on the plane as I write this, so I am hopeful he will not discover this NSA-esque collection of obscure and highly personal, albeit false, facts.


Birthday + Christmas all at once.


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